So. I actually went out with someone. Someone from a dating site on the internet. The first one I’ve found that I actually wanted to meet in person. Well, that’s not quite true, the second one. The first one turned out to be just starting a relationship, so that just didn’t pan out. No problem, I get that. From what I gather, it’s going quite well for him – so, it can be done! I just have crummy timing.
We met for coffee. I’m not going to say a lot about it, because it’s private, and I don’t know where it’s going, if anywhere. But it was okay. I didn’t die. I felt good. I don’t know if he’s Mister Right, I don’t know him well enough yet. But he wasn’t Mister Run-Screaming, or Mister Not-in-a-Million years. It was good. We talked for a couple of hours (without TOO many awkward silences) like grownups, and parted if not friends, then at least as pleasant new acquaintances. It was a good experience. We had a lot in common.
It can be done. There are people out there.
I just wonder, though…I feel better right now than I have in a long time. Whether that new mindset is a result of being single and feeling unfettered, or whether it’s a result of lifestyle improvements, or some combination of the two, I don’t know.
I always feel judged in a relationship. Like I have to maintain a certain standard of appearance, like I have to be constantly entertaining. Like I have to report to a higher-up about my behaviour. Mostly, though, I feel like I’m not being my truest self, because there are bits I really have to protect others from. I’m rather enjoying being accountable only to myself. I hold myself to high standards; I also know when I need to cut myself some slack.
Maybe I just need to be in a relationship with ME. I know what I like. 😉
Leonard Cohen often knows best, I think.