Monthly Archives: December 2012

2012 in review

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 5,400 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 9 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Really the Last Post for 2012. Really. Probably…

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Truly a watershed year. Lots of ch-ch-ch changes.

I have fallen in love again, for the last time. I’ve found an equal, someone who respects me, challenges me, loves me, occasionally infuriates me (although I can’t stay mad with him for more than about ten minutes) and gives me no end of pleasure and joy. Someone I want to please, and who wants to please me. Someone with endless charm, gentleness and goodwill. Someone who is worth working for, a great communicator; someone quietly determined, and a lover of the world at large. Den, you are worth working for, worth waiting for, and absolutely amaze me.

I have altered other relationships, strengthened some bonds and untied others. I have a little sadness, but no real regrets or surprises, people have drifted in and out. Some of it I understand, and some I don’t, but it’s all good, and I wish no one ill.

Continuing my fitness quest in 2012, and have now added “quit smoking” to my list of accomplishments – well, for six weeks, so far, anyway. I have gained a LITTLE weight as a result, but as a non-smoking fit person, for this brief moment, I have achieved a lifelong goal. Will both/either last? We’ll see.

Next hurdle – surgery in January. Then four weeks of quiet meditation during recovery. Who knows what revelations will come this time? Last time I was removed from the world was life-changing and mind-boggling. Post surgery, I intend to up my fitness level, and hopefully begin rowing and biking next summer as well.

So – 2012 – it’s all good between us. We’re at peace, good, bad and indifferent.

Namaste, all, and happy New Year.

Black Dog

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I thought these days were over, I haven’t had one in such a long time. I’m anxious, and overwhelmed, and weepy. This will either go away in a few days, or turn into a major depression. I’m not feeling super good physically (I think I’m fighting off a bug or something) but that’s not all of it. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now between family problems, work burnout and starting to get anxious over upcoming surgery. Not enough time with my man, too, frankly – our work schedules suck (in that they are completely opposite – night and day, hyuk hyuk…) and it’s bringing me down. I miss him. Ironic that I finally found the right one, but it’s such a challenge to find time together. Maybe we need a time-traveling mailbox?

I’m feeling constantly exhausted and spread out way too thin. I feel disorganized and unprepared, like I could get ambushed again at any time. If you ever want to totally fuck up an introvert, try to force a confrontation on them. We will run a thousand miles in the other direction, believe me, and it’s unlikely that we will ever trust you again. As well, the endorphin train isn’t running very well, as I’ve slacked off the gym over the holidays, which is probably another big piece, but there’s something beyond all of that, too. I have – A Bad Feeling.

Laugh if you want to, but I’m pretty intuitive, and when I have a bad feeling, it generally means something. Bad things happen. Seriously.

What now, Universe?

Waving from Over Here

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I want to blog about something, but it’s personal and there’s other players involved, and it wouldn’t be fair to them.

I’m not trying to be cryptic. I just want to say a few things, to give us all, including me, some stuff to chew on. I’m not saying that I actually do these things, or that I know the answers myself. I’m just as confused as the rest of you, probably more so, actually. I just want to think on these things:

Maybe this lifetime is all there is. So, how do you want to spend it, and with whom? How do you want to be remembered, by whom, and for what deeds?

Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s almost all small stuff. Prioritize what you spend your mental energy on. Let some stuff go.

Don’t dwell on the negative shit. Don’t let negative people in, don’t let them bring you down. I have pared down my circle of people over the years, and I’m much happier as a result. Some people just aren’t going to like you, nor you them, and sometimes it’s your fault, and sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes you’ll know why, and sometimes you won’t. You’re not pantyhose, you’re not one-size-fits-all, and that was always the biggest lie in history anyway. Let some things go. Maybe they’ll come back, and maybe they won’t, and if they don’t, maybe they just didn’t fit you, metaphysically.

It’s not a judgment, it’s not a better-than, worse-than thing, it’s just a thing.

I want to be kinder to people who are kind to me, and to worry less about people who aren’t.

We’re not all the same, nor were we meant to be. Differences don’t make us better or worse than each other, just – different. That’s all, and it’s okay, and you don’t have to try to change me to make me more like you, and I don’t have to change you to make you more like me. We’re both okay, and if we can find our same-nesses, and wave from across the abyss, maybe that’s okay.

That’s all, I think.

Namaste.

Ready, Freddy

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“Are you ready for Christmas?”  “Are you done all your shopping/wrapping/baking whatever it is that you do?”   “I can’t believe it’s only 11 months until Christmas!  I’m hardly started!”  “Ready for Santa?”

Please don’t ask me any of these questions, unless you’re ready for a dirty look and a non-commital grunt. 

I like the holidays as much as the next person.  No, wait, that’s probably not true.  The next person always seems to be wearing a Santa hat, reindeer sweater, and light-up earrings.  So, I probably don’t.  I like seeing my family.  I like sitting down to eat a meal together.  I even like Christmas music, pa rum pa pum pum, and all that.  Truly.

I don’t like the overdrive that chartible organizations go into this time of year.  I’m an all-year giver, don’t try to guilt me at Christmas.  And the Salvation Army – unless you want to hear my diatribe about why you’ll never get another fucking penny from me, you might want to back off when I fail to make eye contact, you homophobic bastards.

I don’t send Christmas cards, although I do keep an extensive naughty-and-nice list of people to whom I would or pointedly would NOT send cards, were I to take up card-sending.  I have a tiny artificial tree. I don’t like vacuuming up pine needles and pulling tinsel out of the cat’s ass.  I might bake some stuff, maybe.  I might buy some baked stuff from my friend who likes to bake – by the way Leesa, are you doing pies this year?  I do a big turkey meal, and turkey enchiladas the next day, which is about as close to a tradition as we get. 

I come from a very small family of introverts.  I hope to see both of my brothers and my dad over the holidays, although things are very weird in the fam right now.  As far as I know, everyone’s still speaking to me, so, that’s cool I guess.

I always hope that people will just intuitively know what I want for Christmas. I always find, to my surprise, that they cannot read my mind.  Hint:  Girl-people rarely want appliances or electronics.  I find, though, that the few times I have been clear about what I want, regardless of how modest, no one listens anyway.  I do put a great deal of thought and effort into gifts for others.  I am a great fan of the personal, no matter how small, I am always more pleased by something that was obviously made/purchased with me very much in mind.

I might have a few glasses of wine.  I might hum a few carols.  I might hang out and play scrabble with the loved ones. 

Really, how ready do I have to be? 

OH, the Thinks I Can Think…

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I’m not even sure which blog this post should go on. It’s health-related, but more mental than physical, I guess, so probably here? I don’t know.

The lats time I had surgery, it completely changed my life. I am not exaggerating, it truly did. I had no emotional problems with the hysterectomy, although I understand that that is a very common, serious side-effect. However, I was near the end of my child-bearing years (or, “didn’t have a lot of miles left on me”, as my gynaecologist so charmingly phrased it). I’d had my tubes tied in 1994, right after I had my younger son, and I had no intention of ever having more children anyway, so I think it really didn’t hit me in the same way it would someone younger, who still wanted those options open. I had some difficulty with hot flashes, and went on HRT for a while, but decided to live with it instead. I have found that diet, exercise and the passage of time have all but eliminated them.

The real change, I found, was in my outlook. One morning, after a foggy round of percocets, I was watching “Hogan Knows Best” on TV. I had come around to the conclusion that the Hulkster really is the voice of reason, and we should really just do as he says, when it occurred to me that it was time to get off the junk…

Once that happened, my brain went into total overdrive. I did a lot of “pro and con” lists. I cut some people out of my life, people who made me unhappy and drained me. I came to a place of honesty with myself. I decided to trust my judgment, stick to my guns, respect and honour myself. I decided to make serious changes, and I made them. I have no regrets about any of those decisions. I’m at the very best time in my life, right here, right now. I am what I am, like it or not.

So, this time – now what? What am I going to think about? I really have no complaints about my life. My children are grown, both doing well and finding their ways. I have a modestly successful career in a field which makes a difference to the lives of many. I have close, caring friends and family. I have a partner who loves me and respects me. I have interests and hobbies, too many even, sometimes. I have my physical health back, and my confidence.

So, what the hell am I going to think about for four weeks at home?

The 3 – 5 days in the hospital will go quickly, honestly, the morphine pump is better than TV. It’s those weeks at home alone with the cat that worry me…

Maybe the Last Entry for 2012, but Probably Not

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Another year – already?  Really?  Time is whizzing by so quickly.

This year – my youngest moved out to go to university.  I’m so, so proud of him, thrilled that he’s chosen a field in which he will not make a ton of money, but will make many, many lives better.  So, for the first time in my life, I find myself living alone.  It’s – kind of nice.  Kind of weird.  Cats are driving me bananas.  Grace is suffering severe separation anxiety since her boys are both gone.  I’ve rediscovered cooking, but have chosen to hire a cleaner.

This year – I’ve continued my journey towards a healthier body and mind.  I had (at one point) reached my goal weight.  I quit smoking over three weeks ago.  My weight has crept up a bit, but nothing I can’t handle in the longer run.  Better I stay off the smokes, but I can’t let it get away from me, either.   I’m ready for my surgery in January, and looking forward to a (hopefully) rapid and successful recovery as a result of the work I’ve done.  I’m looking forward very much to the months post-recovery and  pre-50th birthday, during which I intend to ramp up my fitness even more, eat clean and lean, and stay off the smokes.  June 28, 2013, the day on which I will celebrate a half-century of complete confusion, will mark the fittest day of my life to date

This year – I got over someone who didn’t deserve me, and made me feel miserable about myself.  I made my own closure and I got my self-esteem back.  I’m fucking funny again, also pretty hot for an old broad, although I’m no Betty White, for sure. 

This year – I have enjoyed support and encouragement from so many people, both close friends (new and old) and people who barely know me.  I’ve rediscovered the power of kind words, both receiving and giving them to others.  Small things, minor kindnesses, are what make life lovely and comfortable, and I think I’ve learned to appreciate them more.

This year – I found Someone.  NO, I found – The Someone.  And I will say it publicly, I am lucky, and I am blessed, Den, that you choose to hang around in my weird little life, and that you love me just as I am.  For some reason, you think I’m smart, and funny and beautiful and you even like my cooking.  You’ve woken me up again, brought the hope and wonder back, baby, and I love you.  I love what you do, and how passionate you are about your work.  I love your gentleness and thoughtfulness and your wonky sense of humour, and how much we laugh together.  I like that we spend a lot of time doing nothing-at-all, hanging at home, cooking and laughing, drinking coffee and playing scrabble.  Being weird together, because we’re the same KIND of weird, really.  It’s not that we don’t need anyone else around, of course, we do, but we’re comfortable alone, too.  All y’all reading this probably think I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I’m not, I’m not, I’m a very hopeful romantic, and I have every reason to be.  Third time’s a charm.  Remember when I said – no more bass players?  Umm…I lied.  Sorry guys. 

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This year – my life seems smaller, but more concentrated.  I feel reduced to more essential elements, somehow, purer and rarer and like my life has become more valuable.  I choose more carefully where I direct my energy.  I’ve been paring down and eliminating negatives, striving for quality and mindfulness, and I find it really is making me happy.  I’m learning to be quiet.  I may not laugh as loudly, but I think I laugh more, and I very rarely cry.

So, if next year brings just more of the same, that would be fine by me.  I have health, love and happiness.  I’m employed.  I have goals, but I’m also quietly contented.

Yeah.  So, best year ever, really.