Gee, I’ve Never Heard That Before


We now get Easter Monday off. We never did before. It was always a slow day, as the courts are closed and the jail is low on staff. Everyone assumed we were closed too. Well, now we really are. Like most short weeks containing a statutory holiday, it felt like the longest week in history. By the end of the day on Friday, there’s a few things I’m tired of hearing.

Me: Good morning.
Them: Well, it’s morning.

Me: What are your charges?
Them: I didn’t do any of them, so it doesn’t matter.

Me: I’ll get that done as soon as possible.
Them: Can you get that done as soon as possible?

Me: (after a lengthy explanation of what they need to do) Do you have any questions?
Them: Yeah. What do I need to do?

Me: I’m not a lawyer, and I can’t provide you with legal advice.
Them: I don’t want legal advice. I just want to know how I should plead.

Them: My lawyer says you have to… (fill in the blank).

Them: Are ya workin’ hard, or hardly workin’?

Them: “Smile for me, sweetheart.”


a) I am NOT your sweetheart. If I were, I would slit my throat. My sweetheart is not in jail; and

b) you neither please nor amuse me.


2 responses »

  1. I read this & thought that these people sound a lot like my brewery customers. Not to perpetuate any egregious stereotyping or whatever but based on the things I overhear… I bet we have some acquaintances in common.

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