Last night, I was a bit down. I’m off my game, restless, recovering from surgery, but starting to get antsy and frustrated with not being able to do things for myself. I’m missing my workouts, the endorphin rush. I’m missing human interaction, even at work. I’m missing my independence. Much as I have a wonderful, willing man to help me, I still like to do things for myself, in my own time. I don’t like being beholden to anyone, never have.
So because I was down, Den came over last night, just to cheer me up and spend some time with me, as he’s heading into four long overnight work shifts and I won’t see him very much, which makes me even more depressed. I broke out two old boxes of photographs to show him, mostly of the kids when they were small. I haven’t cracked those boxes in years. They made me smile, but they made me sad, too. Sad that I really wasn’t able to give them a lot in the way of material things, but happy because I raised two men to whom material things really don’t matter very much. Sad that I ended my marriage with their dad, but happy that they didn’t have to watch a loveless match burn out, thinking that that was what a marriage is supposed to be like. Smiling at their smiles, their little battles. Exhausted mom-with-new-baby face. Not knowing how I was going to make ends meet. Birthday parties, playing on the street, pets, Christmases. Our relatives and friends. Vacations. Our little house on Bolivar Street.
Duh, gee, Lynne, it’s called “nostalgia” – it’s a thing, look it up.
So, now I’m in a position where I’m looking forward to yet another phase in my life. The kids are out on their own, for better or worse, and seem to be thriving and turning into honourable men. I’m looking forward, mostly, not back, excited for my future, making plans, happy to have found someone to share them with. We have some logistics to work out, but they’re just physical things, details, i’s to be dotted and t’s to be crossed. I’m happy, looking forward; to a little cozy domesticity, companionship, conversation and challenges, travel and making new memories.