I’m having an anxiety day.
As usual, it’s for no particular reason. My life is pretty low-stress right now – I’m well-loved, employed, work is good and I’m keeping quite busy. I’m eating well, exercising, being productive and pro-active. My house is not magazine-clean, but it’s not going to be condemned any time soon, it’s moderately clean and quite comfortable. My finances are, meh, okay-ish, as good as they ever are, really. You can’t take it with you, right? There are no pockets in a shroud, my grandad used to say. The kids are okay, as far as I know. Cats seem healthy. Friends are around, I’m getting out, having fun, making plans. Life is kind, and gentle.
So, what the fuck?
I may be slightly over-caffeinated, but that’s pretty par for the course, really. I’ve never been a good sleeper, but it doesn’t seem to ever make a difference. It’s too early in the year for S.A.D., and it sure isn’t P.M.S.!
So, why, why, why, Universe?
I’m trying to figure out what it is that’s different in my life when I feel like this. Sometimes I have some really crappy problems, and I just deal with it, and I’m happy. I don’t even have any stupid little first-world-hetero-white-chick problems right now. I live a life which, while possibly not exactly privileged, is certainly blessed, whole, and satisfying, and believe me, I’m appropriately grateful for all the gifts I have received, deserved or not.
The only thing I can think of is the one thing I didn’t think would happen to me – Empty Nest Syndrome.
Wow. For all I expound the joys of having leftovers, cleaning the bathroom less, and enjoying peace and quiet, I think I miss them. Shh. Don’t let them know. They need to be out in the world learning to become responsible, caring, educated men. They have to do it themselves, I can’t do it for them. I can’t protect them from the world. I won’t know where they are 24/7 anymore. I won’t know if they’re eating properly, doing their homework, brushing and flossing, and going to bed at a decent hour.
I think I just miss my little boys. They’re gone, and they’ll never be the same again. This is a new phase for me. I know, I’ll always be “Mum”, but I’m not on permanent duty any more. I’m in the Reserves now, available whenever needed, but mostly just waiting quietly in the background.
I miss cooking for them, laughing and arguing with them. I miss buying shoes and listening to confidences. I miss nagging them to do their chores, driving them places, going out to the movies and being shown stupid videos on YouTube.
I think things are just changing a bit too fast. Amazing things are happening in my life, I have no doubts, and no fears. But – change is inevitable, and my role in life has definitely turned a corner. I just need to settle in and get used to it, I think.