Whodunnit?

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Visiting with my brother last night, I commented “you know, one of the main problems about me being single is that I think, left to my own devices, I could become very peculiar”. More elaborately, I think what I meant was that I would not NOTICE how peculiar I was becoming, and there would be no one who knew me well enough to know the difference and to give me a heads-up on my impending mental hilarity.

I seriously worry about losing my marbles one day. I’m a little peculiar to begin with, I know, you don’t have to tell me, although I would often argue that it’s not me, baby, it’s society that’s messed up. I know a lot of people crazier than me, in ways that are far less whimsical, dangerous, and frankly a little scary. I love the whimsy, I embrace the eccentricity. Even a little gentle weirdness is okay. But still. It starts.

I’ve never had a really good memory. I can tell you one or two lines from pretty much any song I’ve ever heard, but recite one all the way through? Not. Learning poetry by rote, or lines for a play? Nothing stays up there. On the upside, I can enjoy the same book over and over, because unless it’s pretty uniquely spectacular, I won’t remember the plot. Whodunnit? I don’t know. Nor can I remember people’s names, although I am strangely proficient at recognizing faces, and I can read people pretty well. That may be an occupational thing, though. But who’s that actor? No idea. Where are my keys?

A lot of things I simply intuit; things I couldn’t possibly know. #1 son says it’s scary, that it’s a Cancer thing, a freakish universal connection. I don’t know how I know stuff, I just know.

Words have often escaped me, and menopause has made it worse. I struggle at times to find easy, common words, especially nouns. They hide behind the junk in my mental attic. I’ll be thinking of two words at once to describe something, like “nice” and “spiffy”, and it comes out “niffy”. So many words and names are right on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t make that essential connection and spit them out.

But how will it happen, when I lose my mind? And will I be the same? Will I be understood when I have only my brain-welded portmanteau words? Will I even notice when it starts to happen in earnest? Will it be frustrating, or a blessed relief? Will I have anyone who is close enough to me to notice subtle changes? Will I stop recognizing even faces one day? I fear becoming a stranger to people I’ve always known, and worry that I won’t even miss them, because I won’t remember them. Connect, connect, connect. Keep reaching out, keep interacting, stay active in body and mind.

Sometimes, as an introvert, it’s a real struggle to get out there and face potential rejection – from anybody. Even people I don’t like. Sometimes the risk seems hardly worth it. I go in cycles. I stopped going to my knitting group, which I love, for several weeks, not because of any slight or irritation, but because I just could NOT bring myself to interact with anyone during that time. They’re all lovely people. It’s not you, babies, it’s ME. It’s hard to shove through, plug in, and connect myself at times, but if I don’t, I think I’ll lose it rather sooner than later.

*sigh* I don’t even think this makes any sense, even when I write it down.

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7 responses »

  1. Hey Lynne – I LOVE this post!! It totally speaks to me. Most people wouldn’t characterize me as an introvert – but I have just about every other symptom you’ve described. Honestly, if I hadn’t read this – I could have WRITTEN it! I personally find it particularly difficult to interact with people in the winter… every fall I tell myself that I need to stay connected and reach out, invite, join etc. but it is a real struggle.

    Anyway, just want to let you know once again that I love your blog ❤

  2. ….of course, when I say “I could have written it”, I mean “I couldn’t have written it nearly as well, but I could have listed…..” you know what I mean.

  3. Lynne, you’re speakin’ my language girl… Damn scary when you get inside my brain!! And if you don’t remember me from highschool….could be because I was too shy to say hi to the smartest girl in school!! :s
    I love your blog!!!

  4. I can relate to this as well. Sometimes I’ll be searching for a word, I’ll know what letter it starts with and I can usually find it after a while but the struggle is torture. I lived by myself for four years, Steve was in India. I could feel myself becoming more and more set in my ways. Little home routines/order of operations started to spill over into work. Very strange! Getting away for a girlfriends weekend or going for a picnic with my friends and their little ones really helped me to refocus. This is easier said than done, for me anyway. Many women seem resistant to leaving family/partner behind for a few days. As an introvert I was never able to convince anyone that it would be a good idea. It seems like friends have to be game from the get go. Sharing a room with other women sure challenged my comfort zone the first couple of times. Now, it’s no big deal. Go out in the world and get out of your comfort zone. I need to take my own advice.

  5. It reminds me a good bit of parts of me, too- the strength at remembering faces but crap with the names but wicked good intuition, ability to re-read books because I will forget the plot, introversion to the point of having to work one’s self to bolster one out to the door to the things (we) actually enjoy, or just not going because of not feeling up to interacting. Maybe it is a Cancer thing!

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