I’m really angry at a lot of shit right now, past shit, shit I wish I had done differently, or at least reacted to differently.

If I have one major character flaw (who am I kidding, I have many), it’s that I absolutely cannot forgive and forget and let go of the past.

I’m still pissed at people who fucked around with me thirty-five years ago, or even longer. I still obsess over vengeful things I’ve done, merited or not, of lies I’ve told, shitty things I’ve done.

If there’s one thing I need to work on, it’s forgiving myself and other people. I’m hardest of all on myself. I am not a nice person, believe me. I’ve grown a lot as a person over the past six months or so, but forgiveness is still beyond me. and forgetting is for suckers. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fuck you for all time.

From the outside, I look in and I think I have a terrible attitude. But from in here, I can’t let go, even though some of the players involved probably don’t even remember my name. I have a long memory. I wish I didn’t.


4 responses »

  1. Read something the other day on Facebook: “It’s not your job to like me…it’s mine.” I think that might be the first step from your post. We are hard-wired in this family to give everyone a break but ourselves (my friend Neil once pointed this our to me). We cannot forget the shit we’ve done (at least until Alzheimer’s sets in) but we should try to forgive it. God knows with all the self-effacing humility we’re prone to, we should at least admit we’re human. 😉

  2. Recognizing that this is something you feel you need to work on is half the battle in my opinion. Holding on to anger is a waste of energy. Forgiveness is hard to learn but it makes your heart so much lighter and gets easier with practice.

  3. I heard something recently that resonated: Forgiveness is not for or about the other person, it’s for and about you.They may/may not deserve it but carrying around that anger and bitterness is just not healthy for YOU.

    It was one of those things that helped, just the re-framing of it.

  4. I like what each of these smart people have said Lynne. I’d add that you could start not by forgiving others, but by forgiving yourself for not forgiving others. That’s probably the hardest part but seeing as it’s the most important part…

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