Fraud Over

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Didja ever have one of those days when you just felt like a big fraud?

I’m surprised I can function in society, sometimes.  I’m certainly surprised I’m employed at all, or have ever been able to sustain a relationship for any length of time.  I’m a fraud.  If all y’all only knew what I fuckup I am, how much I flounder just trying to figure out the world around me, you’d turf me to the curb in an instant.

I feel like I’m pretending to be a nice person most of the time, when in reality I’m a misanthropic troll.  Like I’m pretending to be a professional person when in fact I’m a moron.  Like I’m pretending to be self-confident when I really am just a jellyish mass of self-doubt.  Like I’m a humanity-loving optimist, an open-minded, intelligent being., when in fact I’m just lurching around looking for food, mostly, or a good place to nap where no one will bother me.

This could be a real problem if I ever start dating again (which, in my current frame of mind, is unlikely to happen any time soon).

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4 responses »

  1. I think everyone feel like this some of the time at least…I often quote John Lennon to myself: "Part of me thinks I'm a loser, the other part thinks I'm God almighty." Had a friend tell me once that I give everybody the benefit of the doubt but myself…that I think is a genetic trait for us…

  2. I am not a stranger to these feelings at all. However, before I let them drive me to the brink of despair (funny, I just wrote "drink of despair" and then corrected it), I remember the bell curve and give myself a break.

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