This is why I shouldn’t drink coffee after lunch, regardless of how bored I am at work: it makes me wakeful and morose, and too prone to self-indulgent introspection.
In short, it makes me blog.
Here’s what I was going to blog about – the many ways in which menopause has radically changed my life for the better over the past year. Well, it has. I’ve finally stopped thinking with my twat. Yes, gentlemen, girls do it too. We make bad choices based on sexual urges. We allow people to treat us badly just so we can get some. It’s actually really, really stupid. I can’t believe all the cruel treatment I put up with over the last twenty years, all the soul-bashing, ego-deflating bullshit. Sins of omission, not commission – passive-aggressive, physically scar-less cruelty.
I have become, as a result, self-deprecating. I’m quick with praise for others, but brutally harsh with myself. I praise because I know what not receiving praise has done to me. Praise was not part of my upbringing, nor were manners or displays of affection. Although I believe it was meant to make me humble, it instead made me insecure. It made me settle for people who weren’t worthy of my love, did not deserve it, and did not return it. It made me fearful and lonely.
What menopause has given me is both tolerance and intolerance. I have a great deal of patience with others. However, please take this as notice that I will no longer tolerate being treated badly, gentlemen. I far prefer my own company to that of someone who does not value me as I should be valued.
I was at my younger brother’s last weekend, and at dinner time, they talk. When I was growing up, we all read books at the dinner table. What seemed so normal at the time now strikes me as completely dysfunctional and bizarre. At Tim’s, they go around the table and everyone tells about the best and worst things that happened to them that day. They have discussions. They are praised. They are valued. They are loved, and they are told and shown that they are loved. I tried (I hope successfully) to do the same with my own children, and I think they are better people for it.
I’m learning to appreciate those small things. So – the best thing that happened to me today? Hmm…I brought in some family photographs and put them up in my new office. The worst thing?
I drank too much coffee. Circle complete, fait accompli.