The Fitness Report


Just in case anyone thought I wouldn’t, I am pleased to say I have been going to the gym 3 – 4 times a week.  It is a reasonable assumption on your part to assume that I wouldn’t – lifetime, I have spent more time not going to the gym than going.  But I am, and it’s good.  Secret – bring the headphones to watch TV during cardio, which is otherwise deadly boring.  Honestly, I can see the value of going for a walk, what with the fresh air and scenery and whatnot.  But the treadmill is deathly dull without reruns of RuPaul’s Drag Race (best show ever).  The headphones are noise-canceling ones, so as a special added bonus, I can’t hear if someone says hello to me, so I can’t get distracted and go swooshing off the back of the thing.

What I don’t understand is their choice of channels.  There are several to choose from:  CMT (gack),  MuchMusic (ok), Bravo (ok), a few others and – wait for it – the Food Network.  Very hard not to want a big plate of eclairs after your workout when watching the Barefoot Contessa!  It’s probably smart on the club’s part, because if I keep going on in sabotaging circles, I’ll never achieve my goal and will be a lifetime member.  To be fair, I’ve already achieved one major goal, and have reduced my cholesterol from a scary 6.4 to a high-normal 3.5.  Yay me.  I’m normal.  The fax machine often tells me I’m successful, too.

You may be thinking, well, fitness should be a lifetime activity anyway.  You’re right, I guess.  I like to think that there’s an end to it.  I suspect it will at least get less painful as it goes.  I hope.  It had better.

I must say, I do like the sauna, as well.  No one else ever seems to use it, which is fine by me.  I’m afraid I’m not very social at the gym.  Hey, don’t look at me, and I won’t look at you.  Thanks.  I’m very self-conscious, not so much about my weight or fitness level, but about my scarring from lichen planus and my hysterectomy.  It’s that goddamn change room. Yes, I’m a very large woman.  No, I’m not a guy.  Yes, those are some pretty badass scars.  No, it’s not contagious.  Any questions?  Good.  Then put your fuckin’ eyes back in your head, sister, before I come over there and smack you.  Honestly, some people’s kids.  Not enough to join the women-only club;  looks like they need an “over 40 and not an asshole” clause thrown in there.  *sigh*  That would be my perfect gym.


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