Success?

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Well.  I’m invited to a Scotch nosing.  Thanks Margaret!  I have no idea what that is, but I think that’s how you find out what they wear under their kilts, if I’m not mistaken.  “O, Lad, I don’t know where you’ve been, but I see you’ve won first prize!” 

For the last two days, my schedule has been as follows:  Work until noon.  Go to VON for dressing change.  Run errands.  Go home and eat everything in sight.  It’s like permanent PMS.  What the hell?   This is not good.  If I run into you after work, keep moving around, because if you sit still, I’ll probably eat you.

I’ve been thinking today about the concept of  “success”.  Are you a success?  Am I?  What makes you a success?  What are my priorities?  Career-wise, I’m not sure.  I make a pretty good buck.  I’ve been there a long time.  I’m on good terms with my colleagues and superiors.  I feel like my job really helps people and makes a difference to society, which is important to me.  I’d never be happy selling products.  I do feel, though, like I’ve never really reached my potential.  I’d like to be doing something more creative, but I’ve always had bills to pay and no one else to pay them. 

I make very poor use of my downtime.  Usually, I just sleep or read a book.  I SHOULD be working out, or writing, or de-cluttering my household.

My marriage was certainly not a success.  I married far too young, to someone far too old for me, whom I had no business marrying in the first place.  But I wanted the dream, I wanted a family and children and someone to be a real partner in my life.  Honestly, at 24, I thought it might be my only chance.  WOW I wish I knew then what I know now.  Screwed that up.

Was I/am I a successful parent?  Well, my kids aren’t dead yet, and are both pretty nice people, so, yeah, I guess so.  Was I a very involved parent?  Not really, not as much as I should have been, I was always too busy trying to pay the bills on my own to be Super Mom. It’s easy to say that spending time with your kids is more important than work, but when work is putting food in their mouths and clothes on their backs, it’s hard.  It’s exhausting to be a single parent.  I tried, guys, I tried. 

My education, on the other hand, I think was a success.  Although I have a completely useless degree, I am well-read and feel at home in the world.  People (mostly uneducated people) who say that university is just a bunch of useless knowledge and a waste of money are wrong. Just wrong.  Unequivocally wrong. No education is wasted, it helps you figure out the world around you.  I would have liked to stay in school longer to get my M.A., but there didn’t seem to be any point to it, as I had no clear idea what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be a social worker, but my father told me I couldn’t even sort out my own problems, so I was turned off that.  I wanted to be a teacher, but I don’t have very much patience.  I was a radio until my dad got a car with a “real” radio and replaced me.  Then they had another baby.  WAAAUGH!  And so, I became a “middle child”…on the upside, I was the only girl and didn’t have to share a room.

When I was little, I wanted to be a land surveyor, mostly because I was really curious as to what they were looking at through that telescope-thingy.  That went on for quite a while.  In highschool geography, Mr. Swift took us down to the bay to do a topographical estimate.  He told us that the boys would do much better than the girls, because they had much better spatial sense.  Don’t tell me I can’t do something, buddy.  I’m a Cancer, Dutch, and a middle child.  Nobody does stubborn like me.  Guess who got top mark?  Yeah, that’s right, me.  Suck it, Mr. Swift.

I wanted to be a classical musician at highschool, too.  Although I did very well at school, and played very proficiently, it was not taken seriously as a real career at home, so I abandoned that as well.

At university, I had to take drafting for our technical theatre courses.  I showed a great flair for drafting, and really enjoyed it.  I liked the precision of the lines, the careful measuring, the grace of angles.

At the bottom of it all, though, I always wanted to be a writer. William Carlos Williams wrote a lot of short poems, because he wrote them on prescription pads, in between patients.  So, I’m blogging, between work, momming, eating, sleeping, knitting and housework.  Oh yeah, and trying to pay some attention to my romantic relationship, which is a good thing (thank you Mr. D).  Something’s got to give, but something has to be added too, like working out and taking better care of myself.

Maybe I’ll just stop showering.

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4 responses »

  1. 1. Swift was a total wanker.2. You sound like quite a nice success. Ya can't do everything, eh? If you repaint the living room, well, the grass needs cutting.3. Re: hunger. If you even had salt on your boots, I'd take a bite out of 'em.4. You've always been a writer, all along!5. What Sherri said.6. Showering – sure, something's gotta give, right?

  2. To quote a friend who's been following my blog (who shall remain anonymous, cuz I don't have her permission to quote her herein):Just wanted to let you know that I have been following you and nodding along with you, sometimes vehemently. (Swift was a sexist pig, no two ways about it. He told our class that the divorce rate goes up in the summer because women wear fewer clothes then. Ass!)See? I don't make this s**t up, kids.

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